VO: The nation's favorite celebrities...

There's a fact for you.

VO: ..paired up with an expert... We're like a girl band!

VO: ..and a classic car.

Give it some juice, Myrie, give it some juice.

VO: Their mission - to scour Britain for antiques.

I'm brilliant at haggling.

Who knew?

VO: The aim - to make the biggest profit at auction.

I can't believe that!

VO: But it's no easy ride.

TRISHA: What's that smell?

AMIR: The clutch!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

That's very art deco, innit?

VO: Take the biggest risk?

EAMONN: It's half toy, it's half furniture.

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

That's irrelevant.

VO: There will be worthy winners... CHRIS: (GROANS) RUFUS: (LAUGHS) VO: ..and valiant losers.

No!

VO: Put your pedal to the metal.

Woohoo!

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

VO: En garde!

VO: This should be a giggle... NOREEN & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: ..as today's trip is all about punchlines and timing.

(GEARS CRUNCH) NOREEN: Oh!

VO: Told you.

NOREEN & ZOE: (LAUGH) Eh, I think we might have to go back.

ZOE: I think I've dropped a gear on the road.

VO: Grappling a 1976 Alfa Romeo Spider are comedian chums Zoe Lyons and Noreen Khan.

I was going to wear my bonnet, but I thought, 'No, if I know Noreen, she'll turn up in her bonnet, and I can't, we can't have two bonnets...' Well, don't drive too fast cuz I don't want my hat to come off.

ZOE: This is a very different road trip to the one that we normally do as comedians, isn't it?

NOREEN: Yeah.

We spend a lot of time in laybys either crying, or eating cheap pasties and that sort of thing... Yeah, rubbish food.

ZOE: This feels much more grown up, doesn't it?

VO: More familiar with anecdotes than antiques, Zoe has been a successful UK stand-up for nearly 20 years, whilst Noreen is a popular radio presenter-turned-comic.

NOREEN: Do you actually know much about antiques?

Um... No.

NOREEN & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: (LAUGHS) Luckily, coming to their aid in a '50s motor, is our very own double act.

Just lean forward.

There we go, there we go... JAMES: There we are.

VO: It's antiques experts Natasha Raskin-Sharp and James Braxton, in a pre-seatbelt era MGA.

JAMES: I'm really excited.

So we've got two comedians.

Well, they're very now, aren't they?

Yeah.

NATASHA: They're, you know, on social media, lots of followers.

NATASHA: So I don't know, will they even have an interest in the antique?

Surely antiques are trendy, aren't they?

I'm quite confident that we're trendy.

Oh, we're desperately trendy.

NATASHA: (LAUGHS) VO: A right pair of style icons.

ZOE: It seems like quite a glamorous lifestyle, being an antiques dealer for me.

ZOE: I've always fancied getting sort of quite a heavily corduroyed jacket and maybe a pipe.

NOREEN: Look, if it involves us driving around in a classic car, why not?

Be jolly good fun.

VO: Without a doubt.

This great comedic outing will explore much of Shropshire before an auction in Penkridge.

But we begin today in Church Stretton.

Set in the South Shropshire hills, the market town is the first stop of this trip.

ZOE: Right.

ZOE: Let's go.

VO: With over four floors, Stretton Antiques Market offers plenty for their first foray into antiquing, including a couple of experts.

VO: Bit early for a picnic, Jimbo.

Hello, James.

JAMES: Hello, Noreen.

NOREEN: How are you?

Yeah, very good.

Very good.

JAMES: Somebody has eaten all the contents.

(LAUGHS) Just want to say, we want to win today.

JAMES: We do... NOREEN: We have to win.

JAMES: Yeah.

Are you impressed?

I wore the hat because of you, cuz I know you like wearing your hats.

I know.

Get ahead, get a hat... NOREEN: (LAUGHS) JAMES: Isn't it?

NOREEN: That's the one!

JAMES: It's an old motto.

VO: If you say so!

VO: So, that's one pairing.

Time for the other.

ZOE: Hello!

NATASHA: Zoe, hi, how are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

Well, I'm in my natural habitat.

But what about you?

I'm in a very unnatural habitat for me, but I'm enjoying it.

OK, well, let's have a mooch around.

ZOE: Yeah.

Let's get your eye in, cuz sometimes you can't see... NATASHA & ZOE: The wood for the trees.

ZOE: Cuz there's so much stuff.

NATASHA: There's so much stuff.

VO: Well, you'd better hop to it.

NOREEN: I honestly think my mum had two of these vases when I was growing up.

NOREEN: It looks so familiar and I know if my siblings are watching, they will go, "Yeah, Mum had these."

JAMES: (LAUGHS) So, em, I just want to know, where are they from?

I mean, James... JAMES: I don't know.

They...they seem to have a sort of geometric sort of '70s look, don't they?

NOREEN: Yeah.

JAMES: Looks like a cough sweet, doesn't it, really?

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) JAMES: That sort of color.

NOREEN: I'm assuming it's not worth too much.

No, I don't think it is.

JAMES: Has it got a price tag on it?

How much is it?

It actually has.

It's a whopping £4.50!

JAMES: Wahey!

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) JAMES: I can't see a lot... NOREEN: No, no.

JAMES: I think that's its...

It just made me feel very nostalgic seeing that... JAMES: Yeah.

OK, we'll have to keep hunting.

JAMES: Go on, you take that way.

I'll take this way.

Sure, OK. VO: Zoe and Noreen have £400 each to spend and an expert to help them do it.

NATASHA: I have no idea what Zoe is going to want to buy.

NATASHA: So many of these stand-up comedians are really thoughtful academic people.

They take so much time to write their material.

NATASHA: So does she want to buy serious antiques, or does she want to buy novelty all the way?

And of course, you can have novelty antiques, so could work out very nicely.

I don't know.

VO: Time will tell.

Got my hair and hat.

VO: She'd fit in with you and James.

JAMES: These are quite fun.

Sort of...sort of witch's table and they had these funny bobbin-turned legs and these were sort of... sort of traveling shows.

JAMES: So it would have been set up in a tent and there'd be a lady there telling your fortune through the crystal ball.

JAMES: Rather fun.

VO: I sense your future lies elsewhere, Jimbo!

VO: Now, how are the other two doing?

NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: Udd-erly ridiculous.

NATASHA: Have you ever milked?

Have I...?

Uh, not knowingly.

NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGH) ZOE: Em... Not recently.

They've gone to quite a lot of effort, haven't they, to sort of show you the inner workings of an udder.

ZOE: Which, you know... NATASHA: (LAUGHS) ZOE: ..I mean, it's sort of oddly beautiful.

NATASHA: It is.

I mean, at auction, you regularly see anatomical models of humans, right?

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: And they can do really well, especially when they have a little bit of age to them.

NATASHA: My guess is that this is probably 1980s.

NATASHA: If that were, say, a heart or a lung or something like that, you'd probably be talking, I don't know, £50 to £80 at auction, given the detail that is... ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: ..shown.

But an udder?

For the farmer who has... NATASHA & ZOE: ..everything.

Literally everything.

What's the price?

Woah!

That's full fat.

ZOE: 150 quid for an udder?

NATASHA: I don't think that at £150 that could ever make a profit at auction... ZOE: No.

Yeah.

NATASHA: I think the auctioneer would be churlish to put an estimate anything lower than £50 to £80 on it, because I think that is just quite unique and... Yeah.

..strangely collectable.

For its unique, bespoke - I'm going to even say comedic - appeal, I'd be willing to put an offer in on this.

Would you really?!

Yeah, I would.

I would, because... ZOE: I mean, the auctioneer whips this out, there's going to be ripples through the room, aren't there?

VO: (WHISTLES) I'll pop it under there, until... Just in case.

ZOE: Just in case, cuz you never know.

VO: Ha-ha!

One potential safely stored.

But let's keep moo-ving!

Hey, Noreen.

What have you got... Hey, Zoe!

You know what, Zoe, I can't not stop and look at vinyls.

Right.

NOREEN & ZOE: (LAUGH) Do you have much of a vinyl collection?

No, I think I got rid of them all.

Well, I don't have anything to play them on, so that was it... NOREEN: Well, I...I know.

But I might be a couple of hours... ZOE: Yeah, I mean... NOREEN: ..if that's alright.

..I've still got some wheeling and dealing to do, so... Actually I should get back to buying, actually buying something.

ZOE: But you should be wheeling and dealing as well.

VO: Yeah, you don't want to leave Mr Braxton unattended for too long.

That used to be a staple of all homes.

JAMES: They used to have a bed warmer... NOREEN: What is this?

That was a bed warmer, so you... JAMES: What you'd do was you get hot coals, you put them in there and I think they may have put a cloth on, and you'd shove it in the bed.

NOREEN: (CHUCKLES) JAMES: It was a bed warmer.

But it's rather fun, isn't it?

NOREEN: Yeah.

So, copper.

And then you've got ebonized handle.

But what have they got on it?

They've got £12.

NOREEN: Oh, not worth much now then.

I know.

But I remember when those, when they were about £75.

JAMES: You know, rather like stocks and shares, antiques can not only rise but they can fall very dramatically.

VO: Best keep looking then.

NOREEN: Ooh, hourglass.

JAMES: Hourglass, yeah.

It's obviously not an egg timer.

NOREEN: No.

Egg timers are small, aren't they?

I could do an hour's worth of yoga... JAMES: Could you?!

NOREEN: I could.

JAMES: Really?

NOREEN: Yeah, I do it every morning.

JAMES: No!

Going to get you to do some later as well, don't you worry.

I'm...I'm sort of more a 20-minute man.

NOREEN: Oh, really?

JAMES: 20 minutes of yoga.

That's...

I'll test you later.

So I think it's obviously made of brass, but I think the acid test is to turn it over.

JAMES: And there we are, the sands of time rushing through.

JAMES: It's quite a good stream, isn't it?

Yeah.

I feel my life slipping away.

I must walk away from that.

VO: Time to find something suitable to buy.

This looks quite cool, James.

JAMES: That's rather nice, isn't it?

NOREEN: It reminds me of, like, Hollywood movies...

It does, doesn't it?

It's like a light that...

I don't know why, that tripod looks... NOREEN: It seems to me like that's new, but that's more antique... JAMES: Yeah, that's old.

They've taken an old element... And stuck it onto a new tripod.

Redressed it, haven't they?

Yeah.

I think it'd make a great desk lamp or maybe a bedside... NOREEN: Yeah.

..table lamp, wouldn't it?

Reading lamp.

(READS) "Vintage CAV lamp on tripod."

But do you know what?

It's actually...

It's...it's quite pricey.

Yeah, I mean, and I... JAMES: How much is it?

NOREEN: 125.

That seems a lot of money... NOREEN: Yeah.

..doesn't it?

If we could get it down to, say, about 70, 65, 70, do you reckon we should go for it?

I'd be happy to put my name to it.

I think it's a very stylish item.

Yeah, I think so too.

VO: Worth a chat with Tom the dealer.

NOREEN: So, Tom, I saw this light, quite caught my eye.

NOREEN: The only thing is, though, it is on for 125.

Are you in a good mood today?

VO: Brace yourself, Tom.

Could you...do 70?

TOM: You're pushing me on the limit and I'm in a good mood.

But...

It is my first purchase of the day.

Alright then, OK. Can you make it 75 and I'll say yes?

75 sounds really good.

Thank you so much.

NOREEN: Right, time to give you your cash.

VO: Thanks, Tom.

75 paid.

TOM: Fine.

NOREEN: Thank you very much!

Thank you, that's lovely.

VO: With £325 still to spend, it's time to head off.

VO: Now, how's Zoe doing inside?

OK, so this has caught my eye.

ZOE: It's a condiment set of salt, pepper and I'm going to say mustard pot in the shape of vegetables and it fills my heart with joy.

VO: Looks to be mid-century.

Natasha, I've hit gold.

Gold, you say?

It's gold.

This is absolute gold.

ZOE: So it's... Obviously, it's a peapod salt dispenser, but if you turn it that way, it's also a dolphin.

ZOE: But it's a...

It's a complete set.

Now I know these aren't rare cuz I have seen them before, but I do...

I just... Look, it's a carrot.

ZOE: It's got a stone stopper.

The bottom's there, so that's...

I mean, I'm not an idiot.

Em...

I was set to dismiss it.

But now that you've revealed the stopper... ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: So is there a maker's mark?

There is.

ZOE: Em, Carl...Carlton Ware?

That...that's great news.

OK. NATASHA: That's great news.

ZOE: Right.

NATASHA: What's the ticket price?

The price, the ticket price is £27.

NATASHA: OK.

It's kind of a 10 to 15 at auction.

VO: Ah, moving on then.

Something else has caught my eye in here though... NATASHA: Oh, right.

ZOE: ..but I quite like this.

It's a bit weird-looking.

It's an early Royal Worcester candle snuffer.

OK.

So a fine maker.

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: Have a good feel around all the edges, any chips or cracks?

NATASHA: Are you seeing anything, any visible wear... Oh, it's got a nice mark.

Is it purple?

ZOE: Hm, now would you call that purple?

ZOE: It's sort of purple-y.

VO: Puce, that and the asterisks with two dots means it's made in 1918.

Can I tell you I prefer her to the cruet?

Which do you prefer?

Well, OK, there's heart and head here, isn't there, which is what business is all about.

Mm-hm.

And my heart is always drawn to a carrot pepper pot.

ZOE: But when I saw her, though, I thought, 'She's probably got...

There's more wriggle room for money in that.'

NATASHA: I think she would light a few candles.

ZOE: I think... Do you know what?

I think she would too.

NATASHA: Mm.

Mm.

VO: Priced at 55, it's worth chatting to Dave the dealer.

I've come to do business...

Right.

ZOE: ..she says, popping down a snuffer and producing her udders.

OK, there's four of those, isn't there?

ZOE: There is four of those.

DAVID: Yeah.

ZOE: There are four of those.

ZOE: Complete set, says 150.

Will you do it for 75?

75?!

ZOE: Eh... DAVID: What about 90?

I think if we...

If we can get it for 80, we've got a deal right now.

DAVID: 80... (EXHALES) Because, let's be honest, half an udder is missing here.

DAVID: It is.

ZOE: You know, it's not even a complete set.

DAVID: You're right there.

ZOE: Bit of this has come off.

But actually, four times 20 is 80.

DAVID: So, yeah, I'm happy with 80.

ZOE: 80?

DAVID: Yeah.

It's an absolute deal.

(GASPS) I feel like I've got the cream of the crop right here.

DAVID: You've got the cream of the crop.

Don't milk it.

VO: Ha-ha!

Very funny, Dave.

That's one down.

My second thing that I'd love to purchase from you today is literally made to go atop my first purchase.

VO: Ha-ha!

VO: Never seen a snuffer on an udder.

ZOE: It's coming in at 55, which I think is, you know... 55.

It's quite pricey for a snuffer.

Yeah.

It's a nice little piece though.

It's a nice little piece.

If we say 35, you've got a deal right now.

DAVID: 38.

ZOE: Ooh!

Go on.

You know you want to.

It's such an awkward number, Dave.

OK, I'll make it 40 then.

Oh, no, let's make it 38.

Well done.

That's it, 38... ZOE: Right, deal!

DAVID: ..deal.

ZOE: (LAUGHS) VO: That almost turned sour.

Ha-ha!

VO: So, the model udder and the candle snuffer for 118 leaves Zoe and Natasha with £282.

ZOE: That was quite exhilarating.

Ooh, I feel pumped.

Like an udder.

(LAUGHS) Like an udder!

VO: Honestly, you girls, I despair.

VO: Right, enough jokes.

Time to go.

VO: Let's check in with our other twosome, shall we?

JAMES: Comedian, DJ, cricket ambassador, how on Earth did you get into all of it?

It's been a bit of a journey, actually.

NOREEN: I mean, when I was at school, I was heavily into music... Yeah.

..and I think that got me into becoming a radio presenter.

And, also, you touch on fashion?

My mum, she was a really brilliant dressmaker.

NOREEN: And then, when I was 21, I actually set up my own small boutique.

NOREEN: Another thing that I did, James.

Oh, fun!

VO: These two are motoring away from boutique antique shops and are headed over the border into Wales and to Newtown.

This market town was once a center for Welsh flannel weaving, but it's also the unlikely home of what would become a multimillion pound global industry - one that has revolutionized how we shop.

VO: They're meeting curator John Evans at the local Textile Museum to find out more.

NOREEN: Is this a flannel, then?

Because I'd associate a flannel with something that you wash your face with, which is a lot smaller than this.

That's very true, and many people are confused with this.

JOHN: But this is the real flannel, and this is a quality product.

JOHN: Because it was so soft and warm, it was very nice for things like undergarments, for coats, for shirts and for things like shawls.

VO: A woven cloth softened through brushing, Welsh flannel had been popular for centuries, but in the 1860s, it was starting to decline.

VO: Until a local draper named Pryce-Jones had a grand vision to save the dying industry.

Pryce was actually growing up at a time when the uniform postal system was being introduced in Britain.

JOHN: And, in 1859, the railway came to Newtown itself.

JOHN: And Pryce or his wife, we're not quite sure who, there's a bit of dispute about that, they really understood how this could transform their business.

JOHN: They were actually sending out little pattern books of their flannel to their best customers and sending out orders via the train.

NOREEN: Very futuristic.

JOHN: Very, indeed, yeah.

And, before long, that moved on from pattern books to catalogs.

JOHN: So these were sent out in huge numbers and people could order exactly what they wanted.

JOHN: The business became so successful that, within 24 hours of them being dispatched, they were actually being delivered to their customers, which was a massive change to the way... NOREEN: Huge.

JOHN: ..of doing business.

He coined the phrase, "Shopping from the comfort of your home."

VO: It proved popular, with up to 600 orders a day shipped across the UK and beyond, creating the first mail order business and the blueprint to modern-day shopping.

He appealed to all classes of society and not just obviously in this country, but across the world.

JOHN: So we have South Wales coal miners wearing his flannel shirts.

JOHN: We have Australian sheep farmers and we have cowboys in the prairies of North America wearing them.

Did he appeal to any celebrities or famous names?

The most famous customer of all came in 1866.

JOHN: He got an order from Queen Victoria herself.

NOREEN: Mm.

JOHN: And among the order was an order for some bloomers.

JOHN: And we have a replica pair here.

NOREEN: So these are the bloomers?

JOHN: These are the bloomers that would have been worn by Queen Victoria.

Yes.

Wow.

They're quite big, aren't they?

JOHN: They are huge, aren't they?

Yes.

So these would have been worn underneath dresses and...?

Underneath dresses.

These were the undergarments that ladies would wear under their petticoats... NOREEN: Blimey.

JOHN: ..and under their dresses.

JAMES: They're big, aren't they?

NOREEN: I thought they were a pair of trousers.

VO: Thanks to his shrewd use of the postal service, he was able to reach over 200,000 customers globally, eventually earning a knighthood for Pryce-Jones.

1879, he opened a brand new Royal Welsh warehouse.

NOREEN: Oh.

JOHN: And what he actually created was not a factory or a warehouse, but a distribution center.

JOHN: It had its own electrical supply, it had its own printing press, it had its own post office.

JOHN: It had its own electrically-operated lifts.

It was a state-of-the-art building.

VO: Pryce-Jones passed away in 1920, but over 100 years later, his pioneering business model has been adopted globally, making him the father of modern-day shopping.

VO: Speaking of shopping, Zoe and Natasha are en route to their next shop.

NATASHA: Was it drama school you attended?

I went to drama school down in London, but, you see, I usually played the sort of comedy roles, the sort of slightly sort of club-footed maid shuffling in with, you know... NATASHA: I can see you as a club-footed... ZOE: Yeah!

You can see it...

I can see it, I can see it... ZOE: ..I'm born for that role!

And it was through doing, you know, acting, that I sort of went, I think I want to be a stand up.

Yeah.

You can write your own work and perform your own work, and that was the most important thing when I was starting out.

ZOE: You weren't waiting for somebody to cast you in a role.

You could actually go ahead and, you know, make stuff happen for yourself.

VO: That kind of gumption will come in handy, as they're heading to Shrewsbury and their next stop of the trip.

ZOE: Memory Lane!

NATASHA: You ready to take a trip?

ZOE: Let's take a wander.

NATASHA: (CHUCKLES) VO: There's an eclectic mix of items here from across the decades.

So what will it be?

ZOE: I think this might be bath foam from the '80s.

ZOE: That would be interesting.

(LAUGHS) Who keeps bath foam from the '80s?!

It looks very '80s.

VO: Ha-ha!

Not for us then.

Let's keep hunting.

NATASHA: I'm just watching you, Zoe.

You look... ZOE: Mm-hm.

NATASHA: ..quite the part now... ZOE: Well, I'm learning... ..in the antique centers!

ZOE: I'm learning, Natasha, I've picked up a couple of little tricks.

ZOE: This is a subtle one, but, um... NATASHA: (LAUGHS) ZOE: Back of the hand slap.

ZOE: If you really want to look like you know what you're looking at, I can recommend the old... NATASHA: Oh!

ZOE: ..toe raise.

Yeah.

Oh, I quite like that.

NATASHA: Oh, yeah... NATASHA: That feels good.

I like it.

VO: Now the masterclass is over, can we get back to spending some of your £282, please?

So this has got a real collection of everything here.

Your obligatory chicken thing for your eggs.

VO: Ceramic basket.

ZOE: In fact, these are very popular and come in two different sorts of breeds.

VO: Yeah, they go with your udders.

ZOE: It's the sort of shop, I think, if you spent long enough in here, you'd find pretty much whatever you were looking for.

VO: How about something to buy?

Zoe, where are you?

ZOE: I'm here.

I'm, erm... NATASHA: Oh, you're there.

Oh.

ZOE: Just looking at a very, very rare three-legged emu with a quiff.

NATASHA: OK. NATASHA: I mean, my personal appraisal would be... NATASHA: ..put that down.

ZOE: OK.

I mean, to be fair, I've never seen the likes.

ZOE: No.

NATASHA: But you might have seen the likes of this before.

Very arts and crafts meets art nouveau.

NATASHA: Um, do you play cards?

I don't.

Well, snap.

ZOE: But I don't think... NATASHA: (LAUGHS) ZOE: ..that counts!

But I do like a bit of art nouveau.

This looks like around about the 1890s.

NATASHA: Handcrafted oak box, very arts and crafts.

NATASHA: And then you have these copper little plates, which are all around the body.

ZOE: Which is very pretty.

NATASHA: Very pretty!

And they're very art nouveau, with their organic design.

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: So open it up and this hinge top fall front here and, look, perfectly fitted out for your cards.

ZOE: For two decks of cards.

£60 doesn't scare me.

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: Does it scare you?

ZOE: No.

I'm double bounce and slapping.

NATASHA: (LAUGHS) ZOE: I'm interested.

I'm going to put this down.

It's on the list.

It's on the list.

NATASHA: I love it!

OK. VO: That's a good start.

VO: Is there anything else worth bouncing to?

VO: Ooh, a scent bottle.

ZOE: Now I've found something that probably isn't anything I would normally go for but, for me, it looks really delicate and really beautiful.

It looks proper with a capital P. Yeah.

NATASHA: That looks like the real deal, doesn't it?

NATASHA: That's legitimate... ZOE: That's a proper antique.

NATASHA: It is a proper antique.

I think that it would sit beautifully in a catalogue alongside your udder.

ZOE: I mean, absolutely.

NATASHA: Mm, mm.

ZOE: That... NATASHA: A real happy bedfellow.

The two of those go beautifully together.

But what I like about it, I think, Victorian etched, the glass.

NATASHA: Mm-hm, mm-hm.

ZOE: So that's very pretty.

ZOE: But the silver work on it, as well, is really fine.

NATASHA: The silver has been designed by someone who's pushed out the design.

NATASHA: So repousse silver... ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: It looks continental to me.

ZOE: OK. And I think at auction, £60 to £80 on a good day.

ZOE: Right.

NATASHA: So what's the price tag?

It's £100.

It's 100, right, OK. Well, we're here to haggle.

ZOE: Yeah, haggle.

NATASHA: What happens... ..if we knock more than £30 off of it?

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: Then all of a sudden... We're in... we're in the zone.

NATASHA: We have a fighting chance.

VO: Time for a word with Ian, the owner.

I come presenting what I believe to be a Victorian perfume scent bottle.

You certainly do have one of those.

And we're also very keen on your little bridge box.

IAN: Absolutely.

ZOE: That's 60 on the label.

This is 100 on the label.

Hmm.

ZOE: I mean, I think 100 quid cash for two.

I think that's a little bit on the low side.

ZOE: A little on the low side... IAN: Yes.

OK. Around the one... 120 mark?

If we could meet at 110?

I've got cash in my pocket, it's burning a hole, mate.

It's burning a hole.

(LAUGHS) We can... We can do it for 110.

Get in, Ian!

VO: Thanks, Ian.

VO: So, that's 40 for the bridge box and 70 for the scent bottle.

IAN: That's wonderful, thank you very much... ZOE: There's your money.

We've still got some left over for din-dins.

ZOE: This has all worked out very well.

VO: Not so fast!

You'll need that £172 for tomorrow.

NATASHA: Shall we call it a day?

ZOE: Call that a day.

NATASHA: Nice work.

ZOE: Let's go!

VO: Good jobs all round, eh?

NOREEN: I very rarely get to drive classic cars like this... Yeah, yeah.

NOREEN: ..so it's a bit of an experience.

You look very glam in it.

Oh, thank you!

So you've got to bring your own sort of home comforts with you when you're on the road.

What do you bring?

I bring lemon and ginger teabags.

ZOE: Oh, you see, so do I.

Occasionally, if I'm feeling quite adventurous, I'll pop in a slipper.

You take slippers on the road?!

ZOE: Yeah.

Take your slippers on the road... NATASHA: Oh my days.

VO: They'll come in handy as shut eye is next.

VO: It's a new day in the Shropshire Hills, and our comedians are back in the Alfa Romeo.

How was yesterday for you, Zoe?

I really enjoyed it.

ZOE: It's a little bit worrying, though, when you do start to recognize items from your youth in an antique shop.

I don't know what that says about us.

VO: I am saying nothing.

NATASHA: Have you ever sold any anatomical models?

Best left in the laboratory.

NATASHA: Oh, right.

(LAUGHS) Well, I don't know what you'll make of our udders then.

NATASHA: It's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous...

They make me want to heave.

You've not even seen them!

I have a feeling, Zoe, that you've bought some really weird, wonderful, wild, obscure things.

Why do I get this feeling?

My lot will be eclectic.

VO: That's one word for it.

VO: Yesterday, Noreen and James' one and only purchase was the brass table lamp, costing £75...

It reminds me of, like, Hollywood movies.

It does, doesn't it?

VO: ..leaving them with 325 to play with today.

VO: While Zoe and Natasha have £172 left, having picked up the Royal Worcester candle snuffer, the bridge box and the Victorian scent bottle...

I'm double bounce and slapping.

I'm interested.

VO: ..and one other item.

ZOE: Ta-da!

NOREEN: Oh!

NOREEN & ZOE: (LAUGH) NOREEN: You know, I had a feeling you were going to buy some really bizarre stuff... ZOE: But look at it!

..but not, maybe, this bizarre.

It was originally on the market at £150.

Ooh...

Hang on!

150 quid... ZOE: I know.

NOREEN: ..for this?!

I would've expected more of the cow to be attached for that price, so I knocked him down to 80 quid.

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) ZOE: (LAUGHS) What?

Listen, it's a very niche buy, obviously.

ZOE: And I got it for quite... NOREEN: Yeah, clearly!

ZOE: That's got a nice weight to it, hasn't it?

Yeah.

What do you think of when you look at that light?

Well, it looks like sort of lights, camera, action, doesn't it?

It looks like a... NOREEN: Yeah.

ZOE: ..sort of film light.

That's exactly what I thought.

I thought just... just looks quite cool.

And that's, I'm telling you now with my expert eye, cuz I've been in a few shops... Oh, alright!

That's metal.

VO: Right, you've seen the competition, it's time to get going, as down the road in the village of Bobbington is our first shop of today.

ZOE: Our experts are already here.

NOREEN: Yeah.

ZOE: Let's not keep them waiting.

VO: Jam-packed full of treasures, Halfpenny Antiques and Vintage Center is a sprawling collection of rooms big enough for both couples to rummage through.

Natasha?

(BELL RINGS) Zoe?

Natasha?

NATASHA: Zoe!

ZOE: Ah!

(LAUGHS) NATASHA: In here.

I think I've been in every single room in this humongous shop.

It's like a maze.

It is.

It's incredible, yeah.

NATASHA: Follow me... ZOE: OK. ..because I have seen something.

NATASHA: I think it's going to appeal to you.

VO: What could it be?

NATASHA: Remember our little pea-cum-dolphin cruet set yesterday?

Yes.

Carlton Ware was the maker.

Yes.

Look to your left.

ZOE: Oh!

NATASHA: A pair of little robin red breasts.

ZOE: Oh!

NATASHA: Also Carlton Ware.

But I say more novelty, more rare and, potentially, more likely to bring a profit at the auction.

In the short time that I have been an antique expert, I'm going to say a stronger, more defined mark on the bottom?

NATASHA: You're quite right - same era of mark.

The vegetable ones were probably maybe '50s, '60s.

NATASHA: But I would say these are... ZOE: Older.

..'40s or '50s, yeah.

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: But are you a bird lover?

Do you twitch?

NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGH) I have been known to appreciate the beauties of a bird.

ZOE: So, erm... And a robin is, of course, a very quintessential British creature.

ZOE: They are delightful.

NATASHA: Quite cute... My only concern would be, I've left myself quite a lot of wedge in the bank... Mm-hm.

..and these are coming in well under what I had envisaged.

NATASHA: They're £12.

ZOE: My strategy at this point is if we splash the cash, we might be able to make more back.

ZOE: I want to go all-out, guns blazing.

VO: Well, you do have £172 to spend.

Right, now, how's Noreen getting on?

Just everything and everything is here.

Anything you can imagine.

This is like a lounge, isn't it?

Like a '70s retro lounge.

VO: All it needs is a prawn cocktail salad.

Hello?

(LAUGHS) VO: But is there anything to spend your £325 on?

Ooh!

Oh, see, here's my favorite!

But I have no idea whether these horses would actually be worth anything.

NOREEN: There's something about this I like.

VO: Let's ask the old nag, shall we?

NOREEN: So, James... JAMES: What is it?

..that is the horse.

The gray one.

JAMES: Very smart.

NOREEN: £68.

Beswick Grey Horse.

JAMES: (INHALES) Now I do think £68 is a bit expensive.

NOREEN: Do you think so too... JAMES: Mm.

So do I, so do I.

So nobody would really want to buy that?

No.

Is it a yay or a nay?

It's definitely a neigh!

(LAUGHS) OK, let's go.

JAMES: Come on.

VO: You heard it straight from the horse's mouth, but there's still plenty of bargains to find.

VO: How are the other two doing?

OK, you did say you liked mid-century.

Yes, and there's a whole room full of it, so I'm in my happy place.

Right beside you there, the candlesticks.

NATASHA: Oh, these are nice.

ZOE: Yes.

NATASHA: Yeah.

So, at first glance, looks like a pair of interesting modernist candlesticks.

Pewter is the material.

Mm.

NATASHA: But when you break them apart, you could potentially have six sets... ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: ..of three candlesticks.

There is a maker we would want these to be by.

Yeah.

Now, am I pronouncing it correctly?

Nay-gel, Nah-gel?

I'm not entirely sure, but that's the name.

NATASHA: But they are just so... Dare I say it?

Trendy!

Basically, well ahead of its time.

I think they're '70s, I think they're smart, and I think that there is definitely a market for these... ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: ..at auction.

I love the idea that you could take them all apart and put them around a massive table or, like, build one massive one.

I...I like it.

NATASHA: My auction estimate is probably £85, £95, so it just depends on you-know-what.

ZOE: Yeah.

NATASHA: Your haggling skills.

My haggling skills.

VO: Priced at 84, it's time for a chat with shop owner Claire.

Candle sticky thingy-ma-bobbies.

ZOE: I'm... What would you call these?

Eh, they're German candlesticks.

They're Nagel, I believe.

ZOE: Nagel - you were right... NATASHA: They are German!

NATASHA: Yeah, cool, cool... ZOE: ..you were right.

ZOE: Well, we love your Nagels, so I wonder if we can...

If we can do a bit of a deal here, Claire.

ZOE: How about we look at 60 quid?

Hm, how about we look at 70?

How about we look at 65?

65, as they're mine, yeah, no problem.

ZOE: You're an absolute dream.

CLAIRE: (LAUGHS) ZOE: Thank you.

I'm chuffed to bits with that.

It's a deal.

That's a deal!

VO: Thanks, Claire.

That leaves them with £107.

I'm going to grab my Nagels and go.

NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: With Zoe and Natasha heading off in the Alfa, let's catch up with James and Noreen back inside.

Now, look at this.

Who would... Mr Celery.

What is that?

It's a vase, celery vase.

You put your stalks of celery in it and you nibble on it while you're having your cheese.

No!

No... No?

It just looks weird.

JAMES: Does it?

NOREEN: Yeah.

It does look quite spooky, doesn't it?

Sort of the woodland coming alive.

NOREEN: James, we want to win this.

JAMES: No from you... NOREEN: It's a no.

JAMES: ..is a no from me.

NOREEN: No, no, no.

VO: And I make three.

And Noreen, there are two items I wanted to show you.

JAMES: One was the birdbath over there, and it's still got green moss on it.

Does having moss on there add some value?

JAMES: Definitely.

NOREEN: OK. JAMES: And one was this reconstituted figure of the boy.

VO: The child figure holding a basket represents the autumn season and harvest time.

I think he looks very cute with his basket, and I think... JAMES: Yeah.

NOREEN: ..in the right garden... JAMES: Yeah.

NOREEN: ..that maybe could work.

NOREEN: But I'm not too sure about the... JAMES: The moss?

NOREEN: No.

How much is this?

JAMES: 35.

NOREEN: I quite like it, James.

JAMES: Shall we go for it?

NOREEN: Yeah, let's go for it.

JAMES: OK. VO: Worth a word with the other dealer, Chris.

I've seen that little, um, the garden boy outside.

I'm calling him the garden boy... NOREEN: Normally, I would haggle...

Yes.

NOREEN: ..but I'm in a good mood today, so I thought I'd just pay up before... CHRIS: Oh, right, thank you.

..cuz I've got another few things to buy, so I need to get a move on.

But thank you very much Chris.

CHRIS: Alright.

OK. VO: Another item in the bag and £290 to take to your next shop.

VO: Jolly good.

VO: Let's catch up with Zoe and Natasha.

ZOE: I always have that sense when I've been in a car that I'm getting out and I'm going to go straight onto stage, because that's what I've done sort of on repeat for the last 20 years.

ZOE: So every town I go to now, I usually arrive and go, "Oh, I did a gig here!"

And depending on how it went, I'll be like, hmm... NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGHS) Yes, it's changed your opinion of the town.

It does.

There are certain places in the UK which I can never return to.

NATASHA: We're going to see some bats.

Does that alarm you?

I mean, I'm not scared of a bat.

ZOE: But they do tend to fly quite close at night, and I don't appreciate that.

I just have a fear of a bat flying into my face, which has happened before.

I'm a big fan of Dracula.

My favorite story to tell is that I was reading Bram Stoker's Dracula on a bus and I fainted.

ZOE: Oh, did you?!

NATASHA: Yeah.

MUSIC: "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" by Bach VO: Let's not have a repeat, shall we?

Our intrepid explorers are continuing their way west, not to Transylvania, but towards the village of Bromfield.

Ha!

They're here to learn about the conservation work carried out to protect one of the country's most misunderstood animals and the historical buildings they inhabit.

VO: Engagement Officer Rose Riddell is meeting our pair at the St Mary the Virgin Parish Church.

ZOE: Hi, Rose.

We're Zoe and Natasha.

Lovely to meet you.

ROSE: Hi, Zoe.

Hi, Natasha.

NATASHA: Hi!

ROSE: Good to meet you as well.

Do you want to come and have a look at the lovely St Mary's Church?

I would love to have a look at St Mary's Church, and apparently you've got bats in here... ROSE: We have got bats, we have.

ZOE: ..so this will be very interesting.

Lead the way, Rose.

VO: Despite playing an important role in our ecosystem for over 50 million years, in the last century, bat numbers have dropped significantly as their woodland habitats disappear.

VO: With little option, many have become guests in ecclesiastical buildings throughout the UK, with a mixed reception.

So Rose, what is it about churches exactly that bats find irresistible?

Churches have got lots of nooks and crannies for bats to roost in.

ROSE: This is a fantastic flying space for them to socialize.

Normally, churches are surrounded by a churchyard with lots of different insects.

Lots of good foraging for the bats.

ZOE: Yeah.

ROSE: Em, so if you were trying to design a perfect bat roost habitat, you would probably end up with an English medieval church.

VO: Although it's ideal for bats, it can cause issues for the churches and the priceless heritage items within them.

As the bats are flying around, they'll drop... ROSE: They're defecating and urinating.

Actually, it's very acidic and it etches brass work, for example, and stonework.

ROSE: So you can see this here, all over the pews, it's sort of like got a mottled effect.

ZOE: Oh, yeah.

ROSE: And once it's damaged, you can't repair it.

ROSE: It's permanent.

Oh, really?

ROSE: Mm.

ZOE: OK.

I mean, I've got bats in my loft at home, but there's a ceiling that separates us out.

So it's fine.

ZOE: Yes, yes.

But you can see here, these churches don't have ceilings.

ZOE: I've never thought about that before, but you're right... ROSE: Yeah.

Yeah.

..it's such a big open space.

And when there's nobody in here, it must be...

I mean, it must be great fun!

ZOE: Your job is to get the churches to come on side and to protect the bats, I suppose?

Well, yeah, it's to find ways that the church and the bats can coexist harmoniously.

ROSE: So, for example, we're putting in bat boxes up in the roof, so the bats can get in from the outside, but then they can't get into the main body of the church.

ROSE: So we're not getting rid of the bats, but we're trying to protect the heritage items in the church.

VO: With 18 native species, bats make up almost a quarter of UK mammals, so conserving roosting sites is crucial.

VO: But identifying them isn't always straightforward.

Bat droppings look very similar to mouse droppings.

ROSE: So to make sure that you're actually dealing with bat droppings, you need to squish them up, and they will turn into dust because they're made of the exoskeletons of the insects that they eat.

OK!

ZOE: Shall we look for signs of bats?

We're looking for guano in a church.

ZOE: We're looking for guano in a church.

VO: Sounds like a job for a fearless comedian.

So whilst Zoe dons a pair of rubber gloves, Natasha is free to fill out the form, recording their findings.

ZOE: Oh, that has totally crumbled.

(GASPS) NATASHA: It's a bat.

And it's got little sparkly bits in.

Rose, what do sparkly bits mean?

ROSE: Well, those are the sort of, em, the exoskeleton of the insects that it's eaten.

ZOE: (GASPS) Wow... NATASHA: Amazing.

ZOE: It's a glittery dropping.

NATASHA: (CHUCKLES) NATASHA: Do you know how many there are in the church?

ROSE: We don't know exactly how many yet, because we're still doing our surveys for this year, but it's likely to be hundreds.

ZOE: Thank you, Rose.

VO: The Bats in Churches project is helping to preserve churches across the country without damaging the vital roosting sites.

VO: But this is only part of the battle.

VO: Down the road at the Cuan Wildlife Rescue, juvenile and injured bats are rehabilitated for release by staff, like senior wildlife care supervisor Dani.

ZOE: I'm a little bit funny with bats.

DANI: OK. NATASHA: (LAUGHS) ZOE: I think, like most people, I probably don't... DANI: Yeah.

Mm-hm.

ZOE: ..understand bats.

DANI: That's normal.

There's nothing to be scared about though.

ZOE: OK, lovely.

DANI: Yeah.

VO: Well, they faced the droppings, but can Zoe and Natasha face the real thing?

Are you kidding?

DANI: That's a pipistrelle.

Wow.

And fully grown?

DANI: So he is almost fully grown.

So he's not... ZOE: Wow!

DANI: ..quite there yet.

ZOE: Yeah.

DANI: Em, he's a little bit under what he should be.

ZOE: Yeah.

DANI: Em, but he came into us quite weak and lethargic as an advanced juvenile.

Eh... NATASHA: Oh, oh!

Oh, wow.

Hi, hi.

ZOE: (LAUGHS) NATASHA: And he came back!

DANI: Yeah.

That's amazing.

Is that part of it?

Do they know where... DANI: No, that's not part of it at all.

That was amazing luck.

That was the first time he's flown!

Have we just seen a baby bat's... Zoe, we just witnessed it.

ZOE: ..first steps?

Yeah.

That was his first steps, yeah.

NATASHA: Congratulations.

ZOE: I am so proud.

DANI: He's not going to be long now before he's flying properly.

DANI: And then we'll never catch him.

NATASHA: Oh wow.

ZOE: Yeah.

DANI: Absolutely, that's what we want.

ZOE: I think he'll have no problem at all, he's feisty.

Thank you, Dani.

This has been lovely.

DANI: You're welcome.

VO: The combined efforts of the Cuan Wildlife Rescue and the Bats in Churches project is helping to protect some of our most vulnerable mammals and the historic buildings they call home.

VO: Back on the road with James and Noreen.

I'm really glad you're driving today.

NOREEN: These cars are quite small, and your legs are quite cramped in there...

I'm feeling...I'm feeling the tension.

JAMES: I feel all tight, compacted vertebrae.

NOREEN: Yeah, you need to get...

Need to realign.

NOREEN: Yeah, I think we need to get you to do a bit of stretching.

NOREEN: Do you mind pulling over?

Maybe we can do a spot of yoga here.

JAMES: Oh, yes.

Look at this.

Perfect!

VO: This should be fun.

NOREEN: And the arms... JAMES: In front?

NOREEN: If you can, raise them right to the top.

VO: Oh, very good, James.

NOREEN: Are you feeling balanced, are you feeling calm, are you feeling... JAMES: I'm feeling really good.

NOREEN: ..grounded?

I'm just moving like a tree with the wind.

NOREEN: Oh, you're swaying with the tree.

VO: (LAUGHS) Timber!

VO: Right, now that our chakras are realigned, let's get back to business.

VO: James and Noreen are taking the scenic route south to the village of Brimfield.

VO: They're heading to Tench Treasures for a spot of afternoon antiquing.

VO: There's a varied mix of antiques and vintage in here, so let's get to it.

VO: What's Noreen found?

(RATTLES) What is this?

It's a policeman's rattle, but... (RATTLES) I'm not sure what it is.

I don't want to break it.

VO: Well, you wouldn't want to rattle your cage, would you?

Ha!

VO: With £290 still to spend, what will catch their eye?

JAMES: Come on, Noreen, stop fiddling around with your hair.

NOREEN: No, actually, I'm admiring the mirror.

JAMES: Are you?

NOREEN: Yes.

JAMES: Well, it's rather nice, isn't it?

NOREEN: Because it's always nice to have a little check of the hair just before... JAMES: Yeah.

NOREEN: ..you leave the house.

JAMES: Going...

Emerging.

Well, just in case the paparazzi are there.

Oh, of course.

JAMES & NOREEN: (LAUGH) No, but I genuinely like this.

It's very good, isn't it?

NOREEN: Yeah.

Made probably about 18...1900.

It's made of red walnut.

And it's really useful, isn't it?

You just hang it on the wall.

NOREEN: I think it's very practical, to have... NOREEN: ..it in your hallway.

JAMES: It is, isn't it?

I think we should go for this.

I like that.

And it's 95.

Hopefully we can bring it down.

JAMES: Yeah.

VO: That's one potential.

Anything else?

This is nice.

JAMES: That's unusual, isn't it?

What is that?

It's a folk art doll's cot.

And where do you think it's from?

It's not English, is it?

I mean, looking at that artwork, it looks rather Scandinavian to me.

Dear, oh, dear.

God, there's no flies on you, is there?

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) JAMES: Amazing.

NOREEN: That was a good guess, wasn't it?

JAMES: One and a half days in the job and you're getting even countries.

I think it's well made.

I think it's well painted.

Guess how much this is, James.

Go on.

JAMES: Oh, I don't know.

80, £100, something like that... NOREEN: Ooh!

JAMES: ..85.

NOREEN: Close.

Slacking though.

95, which I think is a little bit pricey, but shall we go for this, James?

I like it.

JAMES: I think that would be an interesting item, but I've found an item as well.

NOREEN: Oh, OK, let's have a look.

Do you want to come this way?

NOREEN: Yeah.

VO: Another for the list.

VO: But what's James found?

Aw, a teddy!

What do you think of him?

He's quite big, isn't he?

NOREEN: He is big.

He's got very long, em, limbs... Long arms.

Long arms... Long nose.

Good legs.

NOREEN: Mm.

JAMES: It's got a good collar.

JAMES: I like his nose.

I like...

He's got a humpy back.

NOREEN: Yeah.

Why does he have a humpy back?

JAMES: Well, I think early bears were more naturalistic, they were sort of based on a brown bear.

JAMES: And as time goes on, the nose gets smaller, it becomes more cute, doesn't it?

VO: Ah!

Which dates this softie to around 1920.

Do you know what?

The more I'm looking at that bear, the more I'm thinking, 'Hmm.'

JAMES: Good size, isn't it?

He's cute, yeah.

NOREEN: There's something quite sweet about him, cuz I'm guessing for somebody that's into teddies, you know, those that collect teddy bears... JAMES: Yeah.

..he might be quite appealing.

JAMES: He might be.

They might shell out some money-money.

NOREEN: Yeah.

JAMES: Come on.

Let's show him his new home.

Yeah, OK, brilliant.

Alright, let's go for it.

JAMES: Good.

VO: Priced at 120, it's worth chatting to Stacey, the owner.

Stacey, you'll be pleased to know I've decided to buy three items.

Brilliant.

But the thing is I am on a bit of a budget, so we're going to want to know what is the best price that you can do.

Well, you've come to the right guy.

Oh, good, good... NOREEN: So the mirror is on for...?

95.

NOREEN: Is there any chance you could do it for 50?

I can come down to 50 on the mirror.

That's good.

Number one.

NOREEN: Great.

Great... STACEY: OK. NOREEN: ..great.

Excellent.

So this is also on for 95, and I was hoping we could get 50 on that too.

I can't do 50.

I can do 60.

OK, perfect.

Alright, so we'll go for 60 on that.

STACEY: Brilliant.

And, of course, the teddy that James is in love with.

STACEY: He's on for 120.

JAMES: Yeah.

I would do...70.

60?

(CLICKS TONGUE) 65.

Go on.

Alright, 65.

STACEY: Brilliant.

JAMES: Very good.

NOREEN: Deal, thank you.

STACEY: Awesome.

VO: Very generous, Stacey.

VO: So after some brilliant haggling, James and Noreen's final three items come to £175.

VO: And with that, we conclude shopping for the trip.

Well, it's been a lovely day, Noreen.

Oh, hasn't it just been brilliant?

JAMES: And we got some goodies.

JAMES: Good items.

NOREEN: Yeah.

I think we're in a good posi.

It's quite tiring, though, isn't it?

I mean, a lot of brain power goes into, should I buy this... JAMES: A lot of brain power.

..should I not buy that?

NOREEN: But you've been brilliant, James.

Thank you so much for your expertise and your guidance.

NATASHA: Well, Zoe, we're done.

NATASHA: I don't really want it to come to an end.

All good things... NATASHA: But... ..must, as they say.

To the auction, we must go.

I think we're going to win.

I'm pretty confident.

NATASHA: Yeah.

ZOE: We've got a snuffer and an udder.

You can't beat that.

NATASHA & ZOE: (LAUGH) VO: Well, we'll soon find out.

Nighty night.

VO: It's auction-doing day!

VO: And our celebs are back in the Shropshire countryside.

How are you feeling then, Zoe?

Cuz obviously, today, it is the day.

ZOE: Do you know what?

I feel quite nervous, actually.

(GEARS GRIND) NOREEN: Oh, oh, oh.

ZOE: That's...that's first gear.

VO: Not a bad omen, I hope.

Honestly at the stage where I have no idea which way the items are going to go.

NOREEN: I mean, like, your udders... My udders.

Your udders.

I've got faith in those.

ZOE: I mean, I'll try and keep it under wraps, but...

It's fine.

ZOE: ..I can't help myself.

There'll probably be a fist pump at some point.

VO: Having shopped their way around much of Shop-shire, Zoe and Noreen have headed south to Hurst, in Berkshire, to watch the auction unfold online.

ZOE: Look at this.

ZOE: Wow.

NOREEN: Right, I think we've got to go around the back somewhere.

ZOE: OK. ZOE: Beautiful place.

NOREEN: Could get used to this, couldn't we?

VO: Set in 40 acres of parkland, the Elizabethan manor of Hurst is a fitting location for our grand showdown.

JAMES: Oh, here are our lovely ladies.

ZOE: (LAUGHS) NOREEN: Oh.

Hi!

Hello!

VO: Nice trunks, Jimbo.

What are you doing?

JAMES: Well, there was a pool here, so I thought I might as well use it.

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) ZOE: Fabulous.

I need to remind you that we are here to guide these ladies to their first-ever auction.

You're dead right.

Natasha, the voice of... NATASHA: I'm sorry to be such a buzzkill.

JAMES: ..reason.

We should be focused.

We should prioritize work at all times.

(THEY LAUGH) VO: If you don't mind!

(CHUCKLES) While James grabs a towel, their items have made their way north to Penkridge, and Cuttlestones Auctioneers, where they'll be sold off by auctioneer Dave Eglinton.

But which of Noreen and James' five lots, totaling £285, does he have high hopes for?

(GAVEL) I like the table lamp.

It's one of my favorite pieces of the sale.

DAVE: It's small, it's functional and it's cool-looking, so it'll fit into any household.

VO: While Zoe and Natasha shelled out £293 for their five lots.

Scent bottles are still, although traditional, they're still very collectable.

So you have a look at the silver, it's in good detail.

You have a look at the glass, there's no damage to it.

DAVE: So it appeals to a wide range of collectors and it should do well.

VO: Thanks, Dave.

With commission bids online and on the phone, it's time for our stand-ups to sit down.

Ha!

JAMES: Shall we get going?

NOREEN: Let's do it.

ZOE: Let's do it.

JAMES: Cuz I'm going to freeze soon.

Right.

VO: First up is Noreen and James' Scandinavian doll's cradle.

Bids starting straight in at £30.

NOREEN: Yes, come on!

ZOE: Oh!

At 30, at 30.

Any advance on £30?

At 30, at 30.

32.

35.

NATASHA: Rocking.

ZOE: Wow.

It's rocking.

DAVE: At £35 now.

38.

40.

And five.

Keep going, come on.

DAVE: At £45 now.

NOREEN: Come on!

ZOE: (LAUGHS) DAVE: Any more?

Yes, come on.

Selling for £45 then.

(GAVEL) ZOE: Aww!

DAVE: 45.

NATASHA: Sad.

ZOE: Oh, dear.

45.

There's not a lot we can say about that.

VO: Not the best of starts, but plenty to go.

JAMES: We need a winner.

ZOE: Cuz you made a loss.

They didn't see the potential in it.

ZOE: Yeah.

NOREEN: Their loss.

VO: First for Zoe and Natasha is the Royal Worcester candle snuffer.

At £5 is in.

At five, eight.

On the saleroom at eight... ZOE: Oh, we're off.

..pounds now.

At eight, at eight.

At 10.

NOREEN: Ooh!

At a tenner.

12.

At £12 now.

DAVE: 15.

18.

NATASHA: Oh!

ZOE: (GASPS) At £18.

20.

It's doing alright, the candle snuffer.

DAVE: 25.

At 25.

NATASHA: Keep going!

DAVE: Are we all done?

Looks like we may be.

ZOE: No!

DAVE: Selling for £25.

(GAVEL) NATASHA: It's a loss!

ZOE: 25!

JAMES: 25.

Yeah, but that loss... JAMES: That's alright.

NOREEN: ..was not bad.

VO: It's not exactly good, though, is it?

Snuffed out in his prime!

VO: Can Noreen and James' statue of harvest do better?

£30 is bid.

At 30, at 30.

And two.

And five.

NATASHA: Oh!

At £35 now.

NATASHA: That's what you paid!

DAVE: At 35, at 35.

38, 40.

JAMES: Wahey, hey, hey, hey!

NATASHA: Oh, what?!

50 and five.

NATASHA: Five?

JAMES: 55!

Oh, yes, come on!

60, and five.

At £65.

DAVE: Are we all done?

DAVE: Looks like we may be.

Selling, then, for £65.

(GAVEL) NATASHA: No way.

JAMES: 60 quid, well done.

NOREEN: Yay!

VO: First profit of the day.

Well done, guys.

NOREEN: We saw the potential, didn't we, James?

We did, we did.

It was the...

It was that moss and lichen.

VO: It's pronounced "liken" James.

Up next, Zoe and Natasha's bridge box.

A bid starting in here at £20, is bid.

At 20.

At 20.

At two, five, eight.

30.

NOREEN: Oh!

JAMES: Oh.

32.

35.

38.

40.

ZOE: Yes!

DAVE: And five.

ZOE: Yes!

JAMES: Yes!

DAVE: 50, and five.

Oh-oh!

DAVE: At £55.

JAMES: No!

DAVE: £55.

NOREEN: 55?!

DAVE: Are we all done?

And selling, 55... (GAVEL) ZOE: Not bad though.

JAMES: Oh, wow.

That was alright, That was pretty good.

NATASHA: Nice.

JAMES: Congratulations.

ZOE: Thank you.

JAMES: That's very good, well done.

VO: That's upped the ante.

That was a good purchase.

Well done, you.

NATASHA: No, well done, us.

ZOE: Well done, us.

NATASHA: No, well done, you.

ZOE: Well done, us.

NATASHA: Well done, you.

Yes, well, you're right.

Well done, me.

VO: Let's see if Noreen's next item can mirror their success.

£12 is bid straight in on the saleroom.

At 12, at 12, any advance on £12?

DAVE: 15.

At £15.

18.

DAVE: Last chance.

NOREEN: No!

DAVE: All done, then, and I shall... JAMES: No!

20.

Just in at £20.

At 20, at £20 now.

NOREEN: Keep going.

DAVE: A couple of quid more?

All done?

DAVE: Selling, then, for £20... NOREEN: Agh!

(LAUGHS) (GAVEL) It was worth more than that!

JAMES: That was worth way more than that.

VO: That's a shame.

Chin up, guys.

Somebody's had a steal there.

NOREEN: A steal, yeah.

That is a steal.

VO: Zoe's stackable candlesticks are up next.

Bids starting in at £30, is bid.

ZOE: Oh.

At 30.

And two, and five.

And 40.

NATASHA: Fast and furious.

DAVE: At £45 now.

On Easy Live, £55 now.

DAVE: 65.

75.

85... NATASHA: Oh!

JAMES: Oh!

NATASHA: Woo!

DAVE: 90.

£90.

NOREEN: No way!

JAMES: Well done.

NATASHA: 90.

DAVE: At 90, at 90, any more?

Let's hit a ton!

DAVE: Are we all done?

ZOE: No!

And selling.

£90.

(GAVEL) ZOE: Oh... NATASHA: Come on!

JAMES: Well done.

NOREEN: That was good.

ZOE: ..yes!

VO: You can say that again.

We'd better do well on our next one.

I know.

We're...we're lagging.

VO: Next is Noreen's vintage lamp, the auctioneer's favorite lot.

Bids starting in here at £20, is bid.

ZOE: (INHALES) DAVE: At 20, at 20... NOREEN: Come on!

DAVE: 22.

25.

See?

We're away.

DAVE: At £25 now.

28.

30.

Yes.

32 and now I'm out.

At 32, at 32... Keep going.

Any advance on £32?

NOREEN: Come on, come on!

JAMES: Come on!

DAVE: Are we all done?

DAVE: Looks like we may be.

NOREEN: Oh!

All done, then.

And selling.

30... 35, just in time... NOREEN: Oh!

ZOE: Oh, a late bid!

DAVE: At 35, at 35.

At £38 now.

ZOE: Oh, hey!

DAVE: 38, 38.

ZOE: Back in the race.

NATASHA: Creeping.

Selling for £38... DAVE: 40.

(THEY LAUGH) DAVE: At £40 now.

At 40, at 40.

45.

NATASHA: (GASPS) DAVE: We're selling at £45.

All done then, and selling, 45.

(GAVEL) NOREEN & ZOE: Oh!

DAVID: 45 it is.

JAMES & NATASHA: Aw!

NATASHA: That's a shame.

JAMES: You know... NOREEN: Never mind.

ZOE: Not disastrous.

It was a nice lamp though.

It was a lovely lamp.

VO: What a pity.

I liked that.

NOREEN: I'm just going to blame James.

JAMES: Don't worry.

NOREEN: If it all... ..goes wrong, I'm blaming James.

JAMES: Noreen, you can always blame me.

VO: Hoping to come up smelling of roses, Zoe's scent bottle.

Bids starting in at £20, is bid.

At 20, at 20.

Any advance?

We've got a long way to go!

Two, and five.

DAVE: At £25 now.

28.

30.

32.

35.

38.

40.

NOREEN: Ooh!

DAVE: And five.

50.

And five.

These are like arrows hitting me, spears... DAVE: On Easy Live at 55.

60, and five.

At £65.

JAMES: No!

NOREEN: (LAUGHS) Ahh!

NATASHA: We're so close.

At 65.

And 70.

And five.

NATASHA: Yes!

NOREEN: Oh... ZOE: Yes!

NOREEN: ..yeah, they've gone over!

And selling, £75... (GAVEL) Oh, the smell of success.

(SNIFFS) Oh, that's what's in that bottle.

ZOE: Oh, is that the aroma?

"What are you wearing?"

Oh, it's Success, by Zoe and Natasha.

VO: Ha-ha!

VO: The profits just keep coming for Zoe.

The world wants vintage, but we wanted antique.

We wanted a proper, proper antique.

NOREEN: Yeah.

We took a risk.

Yeah.

VO: Last for Noreen and James is their 1920s teddy bear.

Starting in here at £32, is bid... NOREEN: Ooh!

DAVE: ..straight in on the saleroom.

At 32, at 32.

Any advance on £32?

Come on, come on.

DAVE: 35.

DAVE: At £35.

We need a profit, Noreen.

Come on.

At £35.

Are we all done?

Looks like we may... £38.

JAMES: Not all done.

ZOE: Oh!

NOREEN: No, no!

DAVE: At £38.

NOREEN: Come on!

DAVE: The bid's 38, it's on the saleroom.

No mistake.

Keep going!

All done and selling, £38.

(GAVEL) JAMES: Keep going.

ZOE: Oh!

DAVE: £38 it is.

JAMES: Did he sell it?

ZOE: He's sold it!

VO: Bad luck, guys.

Someone's got a bargain there.

Never mind.

You live and learn.

VO: Saving our most unusual lot till last, it's Zoe and Natasha's anatomical udders.

Moo-ving on... NATASHA & ZOE: Oh!

JAMES: Moo-ving... Straight in on the saleroom, bid's in there at 35, my bid's at 40.

NOREEN: Ooh!

DAVE: At £40 now.

At 40, at 40.

Talking piece on the coffee table here.

Yes, a good talking piece.

My bidder at £40.

All done and selling, £40.

(GAVEL) It was our undoing.

ZOE: Oh!

ZOE: The udder was our undoing.

NATASHA: No!

VO: Not the cash cow you'd hoped for.

I'm devastated on your behalf because I genuinely thought the world was going to go wild for those...those udders.

Do you know what, Natasha?

I just don't think the world is ready for it.

NATASHA: No.

ZOE: I think what we are... NOREEN: No.

(LAUGHS) ZOE: ..is ahead of our time.

VO: Let's see how that has affected the final scores.

VO: Noreen and James started the trip with £400 in their piggy, and after all saleroom fees, made a loss, ending on £289.66.

(GAVEL) VO: Zoe and Natasha also started with 400.

And after costs are deducted, they made a slightly smaller loss, ending on the winning total of £340.70.

Can I say thank you, guys?

It's been such a fun few days.

ZOE: Great fun.

JAMES: Good.

ZOE: Yeah.

And we've all learned a valuable lesson.

Yeah.

NATASHA: Don't invest in udders.

ZOE: (SIGHS) VO: What a laugh, eh?

But it's the final curtain call now for our comedians.

ZOE: So have you had fun?

Oh, do you know what?

It's been so much fun.

It's been an absolute adventure, hasn't it?

Yeah, I'd like to think we know a little bit more now.

I've learned how to barter.

Are you feeling a bit more confident with haggling now?

Way more confident!

I am never paying... Yeah, don't pay above... ZOE: ..the stipulated price ever again.

NOREEN: ..the price tag.

Even in my local supermarket, I'm going to be like, "For a bag of rice?

Oh, I'll give you 50p."

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